College has been a mix of emotions during these past two months. From lack of sleep to eating
too much in the dining halls to working out all the stress in the recreation center to going on random adventures at night, college has been a pretty crazy experience so far. I feel like I'm slowly discovering who I am and what I like. Of course there are times when I feel lost, but through these
struggles, I am figuring out myself more.
But I have made so many experiences here that will last a lifetime. This freshman year of college is honestly so much more memorable than my freshman year of high school (UGH a nightmare that was!). I've done things that I've never thought I would ever do. I pushed myself to step out of my comfort zone and honestly that probably was one of best decisions I have ever made. I feel like I grew more confident and adventurous! Like I feel like that shy girl that I once was is no longer here. She really grew and matured.
Boys have also been an interesting experience here as well. With 1000s of fishes in this giant ocean, it's like I'm surrounded by some pretty cute boys and I'm here like waht. Of course boys are not a priority right now. Especially with what happened over this past weekend. Okay so I already wrote in my journal about this one guy that I met on the first day of move in. And like honestly I thought we really grew closer over this time that we've been here. I mean we've had plenty of casual times that we've gotten food together and hung out just the two of us. And it's like I felt like there were signs where I was felt pretty sure that he liked me. What friend will just hold your hand if they only saw you as a friend but then they tell someone else that they like you. Like the thing that makes me mad is that when you say Oh yeah this is when I first started Sam blah blah blah and then you end it saying that oh I don't know if I want to pursue because I'm scared of losing her as a good friend. And idk it's like I'm standing right there and I'm thinking of what you are saying. I mean if you build up these walls too much you could potentially be holding yourself back from something that could be potential good, and here's a girl that likes you but in a way you are pushing her away. I mean I guess its something in yourself that you need to work on because of all the comparisons that you make of the past and future and the contradicting things that you would say and do that confused me if you even thought there was a little thing going on between us. I mean it honestly hurt me the most when you said oh yeah i only think of you maybe 2-3 times and oh that there was someone else that was hindering your feelings for me. I mean I'm glad that you told me that but I also wish you didn't because that really did hurt, And it's like i am understanding when you said that you don't view yourself as man that can take care of me. But its like I thought you were different, like I honestly saw something that was different about you than the rest of the guys that I've liked in high school. Like I really thought I saw something genuine about you and that's what made me fall. I mean i just don't understand why guys are so scared to commit to a great girl who also has her walls up but actually wants to get to know you. Like it makes me question if your feelings were/are even genuine. I mean I know you have that point where we don't really know each other but it's like I want to get to know you. What sucks the most is that this was one of those things where it's like oh its not you its me. And what hurts the most is that you even said it really was your fault. And I even asked you at the end what's going to happen at the end of this conversation and you asked me if i'm okay. I mean I said I am but now I am not really sure at all what to think.
I mean I guess I just really thought you were different that there was something more to you that drew me. Hey I guess its your loss though, you could've gotten to know me more but you walked away.
I really do hope that our friendship is still there but I think I'm going to use this time to really focus on myself and improve my grades (HAH chemistry). I mean I had fun before I met you and I can have fun without you. So honestly the ball is in your hands and you choose what you want to do and what you are thinking. I'm not going to sit here feeling like I'm being played. Hell I'm going to go out in the world and do whatever the hell I want to do without feeling like you are holding me back. I had my good cries over you and yes the feelings are still there but I'm not going to wait. I have things I need to do. But hey I wish you the best and I hope our friendship remains strong. But you got what you didn't want in the first place. To not lose a good friend over fear of commitment. Well by the looks of it, you're losing her slowly.
I don't fuck with you.
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